The way to unmake a person is very simple.
First. You break her heart
into as many pieces as you can.
Let her rest.
Then when she's numbed, make it rain.
And when her tears can't compete with the raindrops,
extract her soul.
Her body is expendable. Her bones, wood. Her skin, plastic.
Before her heart knits itself back, break it again. And repeat until
the only beauty she knows is the memory of beauty in a mind given to pain.
It's coarse and gritty and the edges are too sharp. But it is your unmade human.
Freeze.

So Obama won, huh. It's certainly cool that we get to see the world change, times change and all. I don't follow politics much so I don't know what kind of promises he has made but all of a sudden I am really nervous. What will this man do to leave his mark in History. And do I really want to know?

To be honest, if I had to say it, I'd say I'm more of an anarchist. Lol. I don't like the idea of over stuffed, pompous men, with big salaries sitting in a building somewhere making decisions that will affect me. I don't like that at all. What gives them the right to decide how I spend my money. Of course, I realize the importance of a government, otherwise chaos would reign yaddi yadda but the entire idea of it grates on me. But that's just me. I have never liked the idea of it and I probably still won't. So when I look from one man to another, or woman for that matter telling me to vote for them... I just go.. eh.

I'm learning Korean. The cool thing is I can actually speak a bit and read and write in it. Of course most of the times, I have no idea what I'm reading but hey, at least I can read it. I probably should go to school today. Hm...

I find it really interesting how people have a tendency to return to the beginning after all is said and done. I, for example, after months, perhaps years (I'm too lazy to actually calculate) have passed, return to blogging at the same place I started. Perhaps it is an indulgence to myself, to the person I was, to indulge this need - no, it is more of a desire to return to the person I was. To become who I was rather than continue existing as I am. So much has happened while I have been away. I have become someone other than I was but not someone who I want to be. It's a conundrum but we shall leave it at that because that is one argument I cannot fully immerse myself in without losing.

I have made major decisions that will affect my future. Actually to be honest, one major decision. I decided not to pursue medicine. I decided that medicine is not something I want to do. And what is it that I do want to do? I just want to be left alone somewhere with a pencil and some paper and some sunshine. But of course reality mocks me. People apparently still need to eat.

And what prompted this decision?

My grandmother, my daadi passed away. Forgive me, I'm still not over it. Especially when in my dreams she appears smiling and it is so real and then I open my eyes to a tear soaked pillow and realize that all it was, was a dream. Just that. I would much rather have nightmares. But being in the hospital atmosphere surrounded by that much suffering, it's a weakness I will admit to but I don't think I can be detached enough to work without becoming affected by the plights of the suffering people. I'm too empathic.

So there is that. What I'm going to do realistically to earn a living, I really have no idea. But the decision is liberating. And it is made. I'm relieved.

As a person I have become even more introverted than before. Quieter. My writing style has changed yet again though at the moment I can barely write. My mind is too full of other things. Like algae.

I was going to use this entry as some sort of grand cathartic process but I ended up with shorter and shorter paragraphs. Honestly, the silence inside of me is stifling. I have so many things I want to say but it is as though someone has sewn my lips up and all I can do is think out my thoughts without expressing them. Because you live this life as though you were some machine, existing, performing the actions expected from you as though caught in some form of hypnosis. You regularly tend to your needs, give in to your wants and wilfully grin and perform some sort of eccentric act. You voice your opinions, your argue, laugh, procreate, exist. But it is all as though this...everything is a calculated effort on somebody else's part. As though by existing something you satisfy someone, someone much bigger than you are. Basically, all I'm saying is that I feel like all I am is a puppet. That even my eccentricities have been accounted for. It's a disturbing feeling.

All my cousins/friends are getting married, having babies, moving on in life, doing what they are supposed to be doing and yet I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of stasis. Y'noe, wobbling on the precipice of some cliff, unsure whether to jump or stay back while others before me and later than me have taken the plunge without pausing to think.

I'm going to paint my nails a royal purple. And try to write again. Though I have a feeling that writing will not work out. I wish I could download everything on my mind at the end of each day and start the new day with an empty mind. The bliss.